Somewhat Intelligent Evil
by Cynical Mechanism
Summary: Everyone makes mistakes. It takes a genius to fix them, sometimes. It only takes a camper to find them. Rated just in case.
1. Tip 7

**A/N: This is based off the evil overlord list, found at www (dot) eviloverlord (dot) com (slash) lists (slash) overlord (dot) html.**** You can go there and be happy, or something... yeah. So I'll be writing about my favorite tips. Don't be afraid to request one, though that might shift them out of order. Oh well. **

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Tip #7: When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

---

A bright and jolly looking fellow strode past the insane asylum without a glance. Bright, mind you, was not really the proper term that should have been used to describe the man dressed in a trench coat and hat, with green shadowy stuff and infra-red vision. Infra-red didn't give its user the ability to see people under their clothes, mind you, but he tried anyway. The man in the trench coat continued on his way until he came upon the charred remains of a lodge. It looked to him like a case of arson, or some absentminded Grand Head of the Psychonauts... err, chef, burnt the hamburgers a little too much.

He kept walking, hat blowing off in the wind continually so he had to chase it everywhere--and occasionally step on a squirrel. He usually tried to aim for those squirrels, or at least the ones that hadn't been turned into roast. He was hungry, but all that mattered was the mission. _Who is the murderer?_ Someone had to have killed all those poor kittens in that box.

There were too many questions, too many leads to follow, and he would never get anywhere the way he was going. The man finally gave up when his hat was lifted off by the wind and carried far, far away. Only then did it occur to him that he didn't belong in the crime scene. He was not a very good detective, seeing as he couldn't track down a bottle of milk and its man, but he was still determined to at least go out in style.

Finally the man reached the kid's cabins, which were burnt down save for one. There was a slight murmur and a rustle inside the still-standing building, then complete silence. Being less than concerned for his safety, the man wandered up to the door and knocked.

No response.

He knocked again. Still no response.

Once more, and the door slowly opened.

He readied his voice to speak (it hadn't been used in years) but a thin blue hand reached out and grabbed him by the collar, yanking him in. Unfortunately, the squirrel Nils was using to watch all this had wandered away from the scene, and he didn't dare go and see it himself. All he had was the noise from inside the cabin to go on, and a bunch of jittery children sitting with him in the bushes.

_It's kind of hard to rebel when you can't do much besides look through the eyes of a squirrel, _though Nils. The group sat and listened.

"So, what makes you think you're going to get away with this stupid... stuff... you call an invest-i-thingy?" Bobby's lisp and poor grasp of the English language echoed throughout the forest. More precisely, he just yelled at the poor agent in the trench coat.

"Investigation, boss," corrected Benny, who soon let out a yelp.

There was a thud on the floor. "Don't twist my words, stupid."

Meanwhile, the children were squirming in the bushes, most of them trying to see inside. Maloof sat on Mikhail's shoulder, and JT stood on his hat. He probably would've been more successful with Mikhail's hat, but the Russian wouldn't hand it over. As for the kids without friends and hats to boost them up, they tried other methods (which were very ineffective). It didn't occur once to them to levitate.

A monotone voice came from inside, most likely the agent. "I am an investigator. I am here to discover clues. Who is the murderer?"

"I'm not telling you, stupid."

"You may kill me when you tell me who the murderer is."

"No," Bobby said. The squirrel had finally crawled back into the hole.

Benny had a gun raised to the investigator's head. Why he needed a gun to kill someone was beyond Nils, but things were just getting stranger. The small boy was having a little trouble holding it steady, and he wobbled quite a bit on top of the stepladder.

That stepladder was bothering Nils. It was painted fuchsia with yellow and green flowers on it. Probably something of Milla's, but he wasn't there to judge. Technically, he wasn't in the cabin at all.

"I am not just an investigator."

"Oh yeah? Well, what are you? Stupid."

"I am..." The man grasped the edges of his trenchcoat and pulled it open. Bobby's jaw dropped, and Benny just stared. The squirrel turned its attention to the acorn in front of it (Nils tried hard not to think of it as a nut.)

"A crossdresser." Lo and behold, the agent was wearing women's underwear and stilettos. Hot pink... with whale skin hubcaps, and... wait, wrong media.

Nils just sat there in silence and shuddered. He was extremely homophobic, and could care less about what went on in the cabin now. Phoebe could have as many episodes as she wanted if she were to burn that man to the ground right now.

But she didn't. A gunshot came from inside. Benny and Bobby tiptoed out like they had seen a ghost, and then ran screaming away very fast.

Vernon, who was cataloging the entire thing for storage inside his mind, silently vowed to shoot first and answer later.


	2. Tip 21

**A/N: After much delay and procrastination, I found the right website AND got the one thing written. www (dot ) sff (dot) net/paradise/lists (dot) htm**

**It's got more tips. I might start a sequel for the heroes and auxiliary characters some other day. Also, I sort of mauled Milla's character. Why? BECAUSE THIS IS MY STORY. Gawd. And I feel that her love for retro and disco-style things should overpower her logical reasoning. I'm sorry the chapter is short; the next one should be longer. This was mostly filler and offing characters for no good reason.  
**

**I remembered a disclaimer today, but the website has a name and it's not "Original Fiction."**

**--**

Tip #21: I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

**--**

Sasha Nein was at a loss for words when he saw the result of Phoebe's outburst yesterday. Kids were going feral like they were the last people in the world; Phoebe had to be hospitalized and so did Quentin, having suffered the majority of her outburst. Benny, Bobby, and Nils were shaking for no apparent reason and there was a dead man on the floor of the last standing building.

Furthermore, Milla was fussing about the new dress code. "The children won't like the outfits if they're not colorful!" Sasha couldn't care less. The uniforms would be fireproof and, in theory, cut down on accidents. Whenever they got around to rebuilding the cabins, those would be fireproofed too. Ford wasn't taking any more chances with the future cannon fodder (though he didn't refer to them as such) and Milla would probably just cry if the kids got hurt. Morceau was unable to attend camp (The Psychonauts had him put in therapy, "just in case."

Strewn all around the campfire were fashion design books Milla had chucked at Sasha, most of them with retro covers and bright colors. The mess rivaled that of Sasha's own lab, which was no small feat... well, Sasha's previously unburnt lab, at least. Where had the adults been when Phoebe had her outburst?

Sasha mentally beat himself up... well, maybe not with telekinesis, but the normal mental beating up that occurs whenever you blame yourself. Of course he had to choose the day Phoebe went insane and the bullies went feral to go look at remodeling plans. Here he was trying to make the camp better, and he failed to keep the children safe.

All Milla cared about was that bloody dress code that she wanted so badly. Sure, it was going to be good to have a fireproof outfit, but revealing dresses and colorful, highly flammable fabrics were not going to happen no matter how much Milla whined. At one point Sasha would have thought her ideas cute (and Milla too) but now, in the face of danger, it was downright ridiculous. Her sudden lack of concern for the children was matched by Sasha's sudden dislike for Milla. Not only had his opinion of her lowered, but he began to get the feeling that Milla was just another silly woman.

He was so engrossed in ignoring Milla and thinking about what was going to happen that he failed to notice Morceau drive by in a brain tank and sing Shakira. Luckily, that didn't actually happen, and the day came and went peacefully.

Well, except for the evil robot overlord Chloe set loose around noon. All hope of discovering the identity of the mysterious "agent" that was dead on the floor of the one cabin was destroyed when the robot crushed it under its food. Took Razputin (who was conveniently out with Sasha when Phoebe snapped) and his fellow 'nauts three hours to take the lousy thing down. Chloe was hospitalized soon after with internal and external bleeding. The wreckage fell down on her.

Bobby and Benny had cleared up around three, but Nils was still shaking, disturbed, at eight. Nobody could figure out why; the bullies weren't speaking and nobody dared to ask Nils. Well, that statement's inaccurate. Almost everyone asked the blonde pervert, and they received a troubled whimper in reply. Lili even considered stripping to get him to snap out of it, and Raz considered slapping her in the face when he overheard her thoughts. They made Elka do it instead, to no avail. Nils was handed off to the medical people for drug testing and didn't come back for quite some time.

Yup, Sasha had a horrible day. Milla's constant buzzing didn't make it any better. By one the next morning he still had no sleep. And no peace and quiet either. Milla was high on caffeine, so she wouldn't let him be any time soon. As such, he tried to offer a compromise.

"Well, why don't we have someone _talented_ design the outfit instead?" Sasha interrupted Milla to ask the question after his long brood. She didn't get the hint.

Milla, rightly baffled at his abrupt suggestion, stuttered, "B-but... Wait... What?" Sasha calmly repeated his idea. "Oh, that's great, darling! _I _can design them!" Sasha groaned and put his head in his hands, then nodded yes. He wasn't going to survive this encounter if he didn't let her have her fun.

So the outfits unfortunately ended up being bright pink and purple with yellow flowers and blue clouds and green suns. Yeah, you heard me. Green suns. Not to mention that there were squirrels and camels... no, not the cigarettes... or the animal. Hell, I don't even know what to call those things. They just look SORT OF like camels. Maybe furry lobsters.

When presented with the uniforms the next day, Elton burst into tears, Vernon started into a story about his dog, and Crystal jumped out a window. That window was a gift from the light bulb. Vernon knew all about the light bulb, and now he knew never to let Milla design outfits for the sake of sanity.

**A/N: I'm going to keep a running list of people who are hospitalized now, because I think the number will only increase. The light bulb will reappear in future chapters. Believe me.  
**

**Oleander**

**Phoebe**

**Quentin**

**Chloe**

**Nils**

**Crystal**


	3. Tip 29

**A/N: For future reference: and before.**

**ATTENTION: This edition contains partial stripping, Russians swearing, spastic kids and a certain "furry lobster" uniform, as dubbed by myself. Viewer discretion advised. While I don't own anything in here, chances are it's a little too crazy for any human being to think of. Except me.  
**

**The world moves on. This time I decided to think about what Maloof should be doing right about now. Sure, we're due for something to do with Chops or Clem or somebody, but I think I'd like to shake things up a bit (more). I'm aiming to update more often, which means more random crap during your day. And during the reading. **

**And after.**

--

Tip #29: I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

--

Maloof accepted the new dress code in stride. Sure, he had to wear short shorts, but that was a small price to pay for his new confusion tactic. A psychic ability by the same name would have worked just as well, except he had no idea how to use it. Mikhail refused to teach him, muttering something about a previous encounter with a bear. Maloof was pretty sure his body guard was obsessed with bears. He'd probably get along with Edgar.

"Bears and bulls are mostly the same, at least. Don't get on my case... or on Maloof's. Or Clem's for that matter. Hell, just keep off the damn grounds. Stupid kids... I mean... er, I have to keep watch on the grounds... yeah. Raking leaves here; nothing suspicious whatsoever."

"Ranger Cruller, what are you doing?" Raz walked up to the man who was muttering to himself and seemingly narrating some story. Sure, he was nuts and had a fractured psyche, but you'd think he could at least keep his musings to himself.

"Git off the grounds!" Cruller snapped at Raz fiercely, and the psychic scuttled off like a pony on a carousel. Yes. A pony on a carousel. I said it. You read it; you can't unread it. FEAR THE PONY.

**/division/**

So Raz found himself, once again, running off to the lake to talk with Linda. However, when he used the weird skull-looking conch shell, a Do-Not-Disturb sign flew out of the water and hit him in the face, getting him wet. This did not make for a happy Raz, and Benny was unfortunate enough to be Bobby's shield when Raz screamed. After that incident, Benny never went with his boss to torture fish again.

Instead, he tortured Maloof, or at least tried to. After Mikhail's threat you'd think Benny would have gone for a different target, but no. It had to be the short Italian with the curly hair, because nobody else screamed so satisfactorily. Additionally, nobody else would have a nearly incompetent, bear-obsessed, delusional Russian come to their aid. Benny always found that funny (until he was hanging upside down in the air, suspended by his foot).

What he didn't find funny was the alarming sight of Maloof wearing that disgusting uniform Milla had made for every camper. It was so disturbing to see him in short shorts (when the kid was already so short that he might as well have been wearing a thong) that really didn't suit him that Benny decided he might as well go look somewhere else.

Vernon was watching in the background, snickering uncontrollably (as though his monotonous voice could snicker) as Benny moved away. Close beside him was Mikhail, also laughing himself half to death, though not for the same reason. While Vernon was sniggering at the sight of Maloof in pink, which he almost managed to make look good, Mikhail was laughing at Benny's expression. Benny looked like he had just seen a ghost... of what, exactly?

Nils saw it too. The recently discharged Nils just wandered into camp, and he first noticed Maloof standing there flaunting a pink, skimpy outfit in the middle of the kids cabins, with two campers watching in the background. He was a little surprised that Maloof's fingernails weren't painted pink, but dammit, Nils KNEW that kid was gay.

As such, he shuddered and fell over, twitching. Benny tripped over the spastic boy in his attempt to get away from the troubling scene, and they were both carried away screaming unintelligible gibberish not unlike nightmarish faceless children. Yeah, they can still speak, but nobody listens to their stories of the "cross-dressing ghost." To this day, Vernon is still blown off every time he tries to contribute.

**/divison/**

It wasn't until Benny and Nils were carried away on the stretcher when Bobby made his appearance. Sure, he was slightly bothered by the ridiculous outfit, but he wasn't going to allow Maloof's "mind tricks" to get the best of him.

And then a cheery hello came from Maloof's general direction, and the bully snapped his head over, afro bobbing like an egg yolk in vegetable oil. Absolutely not margarine or butter... or lard. Maybe lard.

"What d'you want, Ma-loser?" The pathetic nickname rolled out of Bobby's mouth before he realized it was a trap. Even then, he couldn't help but advance forward and ready his fist for a good punching. Mind you, Bobby was not really all that strong and he could be pretty afraid of other people whenever they posed a threat, but that never stopped him before. Except when it stopped him, which was most of the time.

"What, can't a guy say hi?" The cheesy smile plastered on Maloof's face was more than enough to deter the weak-willed bully, but he was rooted to the spot because Maloof chose that moment to unbutton half his shirt. WITH HIS MIND.

Why was Maloof stripping in front of someone about to beat him up, you ask? Because he has the guts to do it, and he's partially insane. Also, if said bully were to try anything, Mikhail probably would crush the blue-skinned freak's bones before he could touch the Italian in any way. Yeah, that's what Maloof was hoping, because if that didn't happen, he was in huge trouble.

Bobby, however, liked having his eyeballs in his head and his bones not fractured, so he wisely turned around and walked away. Maloof quietly buttoned his shirt back up and walked over to where his comrades were hiding. Vernon was sort of just curled up in a fetal position sucking his thumb and mumbling something about Lady. Mikhail just shook his head slowly and shut his eyes.

"Tiny boss not get any more ideas like that, or Misha may have to pluck out own eyeballs," the Russian cadet said. Maloof just laughed in response.

**/division/**

Clem found himself standing on the roof of the newly reconstructed (yes, it was SUPER FAST) lodge once again, this time without Crystal. He tried not to pay attention to the scene below him, which had moved mysteriously from the kid's cabins which were still under construction to the main lodge. Clem wished Maloof would take off that insidious outfit... and then quickly took that wish back when it occurred to him that Bobby had seen Maloof stripping only a few minutes before.

From what he could see, the three cadets were cackling maniacally about who-knows-what. Vernon was laughing in that creepy monotone voice of his, Clem knew it, but he didn't know what about. And then, thinking about Maloof's clothes choice a little more, Clem decided that it was probably the new uniform, and resolved to go pick his up.

Unfortunately for Clem and his uniform, Bobby Zilch pushed him off the edge of the roof and he was sent tumbling to the ground, where his neck broke and his spinal cord was severed. Clem was assumed dead after three hours without medical assistance. Crystal jumped out another window in the hospital when she heard about the "accident," window courtesy of the light bulb.

Bobby was charged with second degree murder, but, being a juvenile delinquent already, only had to pick up trash for a week. Thank the gods that kept him out of camp.

**/division/**

Maloof, Mikhail, and Vernon were just sitting around, minding their own business (and taunting passersby with Maloof's invulnerable body) when Bobby Zilch strolled past, unexpectedly cheerful. When Maloof wished him a hello, the bully responded in kind and continued walking without so much as a glance back at the now-confused child.

Vernon wondered if Bobby had recognized and copied Maloof's technique of "confusion over protection" or if he just snapped. Or maybe Bobby was high, but Vernon seriously doubted the presence of drugs in the bully's body. He probably would have smoked the wrong end, or misused the bong, or something to that effect. Not to mention his coordination was as good as it usually was. Maybe the guy had taken sugar pills, whatever they were called. Or overdosed on dream fluffs.

While considering Bobby's sudden change in demeanor, Vernon sat there like a rock. Even Mikhail couldn't move him no matter how hard he tried. So the other two cadets left Vernon to sit there and ponder. Surprisingly enough, no harm befell Vernon... this chapter. By the time the two cadets were gone, Vernon was deep in thought and concocting new plans to rule the world... er, I mean, avoid the bullies. Something like that.

**/division/**

Mikhail and Maloof wandered in the general direction of the main lodge. Neither of them were looking down, so they didn't notice the half-dead Clem bleeding on the ground. At the door, the cadets stopped for a chat. "Hey, Misha?"

"Yes, tiny boss?" Anyone else besides Mikhail calling him that would have gotten a punch (or slap) in the face. Maloof had more than one problem with his stature, and didn't like being reminded of it. Mikhail just had a way of making it sound cute and not demeaning.

"You know it's going to be the future soon, right?" Mikhail nodded. "I won't always be this way."

The Russian just stared at the Italian child blankly. Sensing his confusion, Maloof attempted to elaborate, but he probably just worsened the situation. "Well, one day all the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away."

Mikhail quirked a brow. "Are not strange."

"Yes... but... when I close my eyes, it's already here." With that, the small boy shut his eyes and just stood there. The ever-loyal Mikhail stood there for about thirty seconds, then went inside the lodge because he was a little scared by the Italian. When he came back out in ten minutes, cursing under his breath, Maloof was still standing there.

Of more importance, however, was what Mikhail was wearing. The Russian wore suit similar to Maloof's, but so much better in that whoever looked like they designed it did not put him in shorts and a t-shirt. It was also very stripy. The most important part of the outfit, though, was the bell bottom pants and the giant top hat. Mikhail didn't need his weird foreign hat as long as he had a top hat. Well, he would rather have a Top Cat, or a Long Cat, but miracles only went so far.

**/division/**

"So... what became of Vernon? Oh, right, and Ford... well, we don't know right now. Chances are Ford went off on a date with the bacon, and Vernon is... well... somewhere. Which reminds me about Dogen... poor old Dogen. Had a nasty accident with the squirrels around nine after noon. He ran away screaming and is still lost in the woods right now. Be on the lookout for an update with any camper not mentioned yet. The calamity will soon be averted."

"Ford, what ARE you talking about?"

"GIT!"

**A/N: Er. Yeah... there's a picture I made of Maloof's outfit on my profile. It doesn't have eyes, though, and more of the campers may soon follow, assuming they don't go insane first. When you open the picture up, I want you to stare at it for a good five minutes, then reread this chapter and realize just how brave Maloof is to wear an outfit that creepy. I also recommend listening to Dude (Looks Like a Lady) by Aerosmith while doing so, because that's what I did when writing it. The song helps set the mood. I listened to it about fifty times straight, and just reloaded the video every time it ran out. It took me quite some time to finish this, and my head now hurts.**

**Also, the "conversation" between Mikhail and Maloof outside the lodge contains lyrics from the Future Soon, a song by Jonathan Coulton. Youtube it.**

**The Running List of Hospital Patients**

**Oleander**

**Phoebe**

**Quentin**

**Chloe**

**Nils (again)**

**Crystal**

**Benny**

**Clem**

**The Otherwise Removed, Permanently or Otherwise**

**Bobby**

**Dogen**


End file.
